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A Groom's Survival Guide To...
The Bachelor & Bachelorette Parties
by Rusty Fischer, author of SUPERGROOM: 101 Ways to be the Most Romantic Groom EVER!
Despite your friends' (and hers') good intentions, the doubleheader of risqué wedding traditions, the bachelor and bachelorette parties, are more like a land mine for the "lucky" couple. So instead of resorting to the usual antics, hoolaganism, and shenanigans, why not try an intoxicating recipe of mature, romantic, and sensitive ways to handle not just your bachelor party, but her bachelorette party as well.
Chances are, none of your corny tricks will delay or dampen, let alone stop, a full-blown bachelorette party in full swing. The best that you can hope for is, a.) That your fiancée doesn't get too wasted, b.) That you never pissed off anybody in her bridal party who may be seeking sweet, sexy revenge, and c.) Her ex-boyfriend isn't the stripper!
Barring those, however, your only attempt to bring chastity into the evening is to act as jealous as possible! To help accomplish this, why not combat the inevitable 10-inch penis straws and Pin-the-Thong-on-the-Hunk game with a "party package" of your own?
Fill a wedding-themed gift bag with chaste little trinkets, preferably from a religious bookstore, including a pocket-sized bible, a bookmark with the 10 Commandments printed on it, rosary beads, etc. Deliver it personally right before the festivities begin, or leave it in her car for a "sacred surprise!"
Either way, she's sure to appreciate your sense of humor -- not to mention your jealous streak! And both are equally as attractive ...
If you're blessed with a bride-to-be who's having an old-fashioned bachelorette party at home, not to mention one really brave friend, why not beat the inevitable Chippendales dancer to the punch with a "censored stripper" of your own!
Merely send your favorite (and most inebriated) friend to your bride-to-be's address with a boom box and a sack of concealing clothes. When the door opens -- the show begins! Have your friend start putting ON clothes as soon as the music starts!
He may be thrown out before the first lap dance is over, but your future bride will get the point: Be good!
Besides, they may just invite him to stay and end up canceling the real stripper.
Most likely, however, your future bride will be following the current Chippendales climate and celebrating her last night as a single gal at a nasty nightclub. (Or two or three or four!) Therefore, pump her friends for information and then do a little detective work to track down the address of the limousine service she and her friends will be using to get there.
When you've found it, simply arrange for the sweetest, sappiest flower arrangement ever designed to be delivered there -- pre-bachelorette party, natch.
The flowers may get tangled, twisted, and trampled by the end of the night, but the memory of them will never, ever fade! (Unless one of the strippers ends up using them in his act, that is ...)
To show your undying love, faithfulness, and chastity to your bride-to-be (for 72-hours, anyway) why not invest in a dime store set of temporary heart-shaped tattoos in honor of your bachelor party?
For the full effect, write her name in waterproof marker on your bicep, chest, or nether regions, and then surround it with the temporary hearts -- just like a devoted sailor heading out to sea for six months.
You can either have a girlfriend deliver Polaroids of your temporary tattoos in your absence, or show them to your future bride personally before you shove off for the big night. Either way, you'll get all the permanence of her undying love mixed with the wash-ability of temporary tattoos! (Bike Week, here you come!)
By The Numbers
There's no better way to show your future bride what a good boy you'll be on your naughtiest night of nights, the bachelor party, than to provide her with a list of phone numbers where you'll be able to be reached -- all night.
Not only will she a.) Never, ever call them, but b.) You'll never be to blame if she does because you'll have no way of predicting where your friends will kidnap, ehhr, take you!
So, while you'll get an "A" for thoughtfulness, you'll definitely get an "A+" for unaccountability!
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